Stick a Fork in Me!

That's right! I'm actually going to graduate. The stress is subsiding. I still have some forms to fill out and fees to pay before I'm officially out the door, but I passed my dissertation defense.

This means I get my life back!

November starts me back on track.

Of course, I'm already thinking of a few obstacles. First, there's my birthday in a few weeks, and we haven't actually gone out and celebrated my graduation yet either. So we plan to maket his a dual celebration in a week or so. (I'm working all weekend at my crap job, so can't do it this weekend, but hey, I'll just start making patrons call me Dr. Powley, ha!)

Next on the horizon is....da.da...da.da...Thanksgiving! [shriek!]

But, at least, in between these gorg feasts, I can be good and literally, hopefully, tighten the belt. I don't think I've gained too much back if any, but then again, I haven't even though of trying on the dreaded green pants either.

Babby steps.

The Halloween candy left with my husband for his office this morning, and today, I'm going to count my calories and try to keep it between 1500 and 1700. Over the last week or so, I've slacked on my exercise routine because I felt like I was getting sick, but I'm sure it was just the stress. Before I jump back into that, though, I'm going to save my energy for house cleaning. This place looks like the testing ground for N. Korea! Over the past month, I've just let everything go - my house, my body, my life in general.

But now, I'm going to take a deep breath, think about things, reflect, chill, clean, eat healthy, and enjoy my freedom, try to grasp what I've accomplished, and just feel good about me.

Drawing the Line?

October is almost ova, and that means, hopefully, I'll be back on my diet track in a big way. So far, I'm still about the same, so no complaints. I'm wearing the same clothes, and yet again, I tried shopping for pants recently only to realize I'm still in between sizes. 14s swim on me and 12 are just a little too tight. So, yes, a skirt it will be come defense time. That looks more professional any way, just not too comfy to drive hours and hours in with the whole high heels and panty hose scenario to boot, but NBG.

But, my post today is about something else.

When you do get on track, when you get into the diet groove, when do you know where to draw the line?

I spoke with C. the other day who is in the groove big time right now, losing a total of 5 lbs over the past few weeks. That point she feels great about, but on the flip side she is miserable. Why? Shouldn't she be thrilled? Jumping for joy?

She'd like to do all those things if she wasn't so damn hungry. Boy, do I know that feeling. The...what...three times now that I've seriously done the Weight Watchers thing that was exactly me at the time. For the first two to three weeks I was so, so, so hungry! Some how, though, I eventually got used to it. I could stand the hunger some how, and that's what I told her: "Stick it out one more week, and I bet you'll get used to it."

But, isn't that a sad thing to "get used to"?

Mindless Eating

I just ordered a book from Amazon.com called Mindless Eating. I watched the tail-end of 20/20 the other night, and they had a segment about the book and its author, a shrink who says there are lots of little ways to trick your mind into helping you eat less. He talked about tricks like using smaller plates and portion-sized packages.

Obviously, I don't have time to read it now with all my school work going on, but hopefully, by the time it gets here things will lighten up a little.

Now I'm Swimming

Not literally of course, no pool around here though I'm a damn good swimmer, kind of like a fish though. I'm always under the water, used to give me mother heart attacks all the time as a kid when we were in the pool. Hey, that's how we mermaids swim!

But, things are better. My work load isn't necessarily any lighter, but my confidence is building as I'm getting some good feedback here and there on my dissertation. Of course, I think it's the most wonderful piece of ground-breaking academic work known to mankind, but it is still nice to hear a kind word from those who have read it.

More when I can... still trying to be good while eating, but hey, I'm a mermaid, not a angel.

Treading Water

That's pretty much how I feel right now and probably will until the end of October. I'm just keeping my head right above water, trying not to drown. Every once in a while a wave comes and I swallow a bunch of salt water.

As far as the diet, I'm not being as religious as I have been, but I'm not driving through Wendy's every day either. Luckily, over the past few months I have developed an eating routine of sorts, and I'm just following that right now. Yes, I know a few extra pounds off by the time I defend would help me fit into some pants, but let's just say a skirt is looking pretty good right now!

Along with just trying to stick to my regular eating routine, I'm trying to work out every day with my walking DVDs, even if that just means the 30 minute 2 mile workout. With all the stress I'm under right now, I know this is extra important for my sanity if not for my ass.

So, that's the latest update. I have bucket-loads of school work to do now along with my regular freelance writing gigs, so you may not see much of me until after October is over. Funny thing is - October is usually one of my favorite months. It is great as far as the weather, and good things usually happen to me during this month. I have to believe, then, that I'll some how be rewarded for all this come October 31st!

Shopped Till I Dropped

I haven't written in a few days. One because I've been a busy bee, but two, because blogger has been a PIA.

Monday I went shopping with C. and the good news is that I am no longer a 14. The bad news is that 12s are a tiny tight still. I'm hoping I can lose a few more lbs., really 2 would probably do it, so I can buy some new pants for my defense.

I did buy my Chico's outfit, and I really like it, especially since I'm kind of between sizes now, but it just doesn't seem like a dissertation defense sort of outfit, so I'm going with the business casual, sort of preppy look, kakhis, button down shirt, jacket, small heeled shoes.

More later, maybe. This is going to be a killer month for me!

Where Have I Been?

It's been a few days since I've posted, and that usually means food trouble. Friday I drove to Orlando to see another student's defense. To top it off, I had a major allergy attack that day. Luckily, the meds had kicked in by the time I got there, so I didn't sneeze while he was presenting. That would have been sooooo embarassing!

While I had very good intensions that day as far as food, it pretty much was shot to hell.

I ate my usually protein bar for breakfast and brought an extra bar and banana for the road. However, since I was sneezing like a maniac all the way there, I didn't eat anything else while driving. I barely made it to the presentation after driving around for about 15 minutes to find a parking spot, which probably was not legal any way, but I couldn't tell and had paid $5 to not park, typical school crap, so my protein bar and banana accompanied me to the presentation.

It took about 1 1/2 hours, and then I had a meeting with my advisor afterwards, so finally I got out of there a little before one. Exhausted, still sniffling, and very, very hungry. In fact, my stomach was making all kinds of noise during my meeting. I kept thinking, "Did he hear that?"

I called a friend of mine who was also at the defense and then meeting with someone, but she wasn't answering her phone, so I decided to just head home. I inhaled my banana as soon as I got in my car, and thought I'd just eat the bar on the way home. I'd even thought to bring extra cold water for the trip back. But, even though my bar was in my bag in an A/C'd car and then A/C'd conference room, when I opened it, it was puddle of messy...ick! Ahhh, Welcome to Florida!

So, it was McD's for the drive home. On a good note, I don't feel so badly about all this weight I've gained while going to school these past 5 years. It is difficult enough to try to eat right on a daily basis when your day goes as planned and you're at home, but to try to think about all that and drive 250 miles to school was obviously more than I could handle, even now when I normally have a better handle on my eating.

It Was Okay

I met C. at the jazzercise class lastnight. I have to say, though, I wasn't bowled over by it. Now, it was an okay class, and I may go back, but there are a few things I need to think about first. For example, the instructor, I was not overly impressed with her body. As C. put it, "You look like you are in better shape than she is."

Hmmmm....was that a compliment? Granted, this woman was built like a box, very broad shouldered and all, but she kind of had a small gut on her too. Call me a snob, but the way the instructor looks can say a lot about the sort of workout you are getting.

The workout? Yup, I sweated like a pig. I was actually concerned I might be soar today, but I'm not. I wouldn't say it was less or more intense than my 3 mile walking DVD, but at least it was something different.

Another negative was the choice of music, which I know to a certain extent was up to jazzercise, but it was either country music (sorry, but ugh) or weirded-out-old-lady-style-crap. At one point, the instructor kept trying to get us to sing along. Hello, I've never heard the song before in my life! Backtracking here, I do like older country music, like Johnny Cash, but I don't listen at all to any of the new stuff. So, you could have put a gun to my head and I still wouldn't have been able to sing along.

Finally, the kicker was the cost. I used to jazzercise maybe 8 years ago, and one thing I liked about it, other than that it's sort of mix of aerobics and dance, was the price. You didn't have to join anything either. You bought a ticket that had x-number of classes on it, got it stamped, and when it was finished, you bought a new ticket. Walk-ins were $5 and tickets went for $3.50 per class.

Well, welcome to the 21st century! Walk-ins are now $10 and tickets average about $8 a class. That was a shocker!

When I was asking about the cost and after they picked me up off the floor, they also mentioned that some women came just once a week and the instructor worked something out with them, just charging them $25 a month. Still, that's high, but I could see going one time a week if for no other reason than to vary my exercise. So, I may ask about that first. My only other option is to pay $35 a month and go 2 times a week, and honestly, it sort of messed up my routine for the day a little. Once a week, I could deal with, but 2 times, will need some thought.

Jazzercising It Today

C. discovered there's a jazzercise class at the local community center, which is about 15 or so minutes from my house. The first class is free, so I'm going today to try it out.

I've jazzercised in the past and really liked it. In fact, the only reason I stopped various times was due to moving or switching jobs so it wasn't covenient to drive over to them any more. For the longest time, the closest one in our county has been about 30 minutes away from me, so that's why I haven't gone for awhile.

Of course, all classes tend to vary depending on the teacher. So, I'm reserving judgement until I actually see what it's like. If I like it, they have a Monday and Wednesday class I can take, cool, no?

I've been really good about doing my 3 mile DVD lately, but I have to admit to getting a little tired of hearing their same banter over and over again. This will be a nice break. Plus I also ordered another 3 mile walking DVD.

If nothing else, I've got my exercise covered at least. I'm still doing okay on the calorie thing, but I'll admit to going over a few hundred calories these past few days. Still, nothing over 1700, but that can only make things take even longer if I'm not careful.

Lost a Pound....of Hair!

I've been wanting to do something with my long straight hair for a while now. Usually, I just pull it back because it is so long that it's just all over the place, and unlike movie stars, I don't have someone walking around behind me with a brush in her hand. But, with long fine hair like mine, there aren't a lot of options, especially for me because I don't like to fuss with it a lot. I don't blow it dry, color it, spray it, moose it...hell, it's all I can do to run a comb through it a few times a day. So, I had this idea that one way to get a little style but not do something drastic was to beef up my very whispy practically not there bangs.

I have no hair dresser so to speak since I usually get my DH to use my sewing scissors to trim the ends for me, but I thought, "hey, how hard can bangs and a trim be?"

Well, I should have turned and run when I saw the woman at the beauty parlor. She had to be about 60, with a tobacco cough and smell, and she had wacked-out ringlets of obviously dyed hair piled on top of her head. But, did I run? Nope, like an idiot I let her touch me.

I showed her the drawing I'd done of what I wanted, and at first she said, "Oh, you don't want that."

"No, no, I do want that," I replied.

"Oh, okay, I know what to do," she said. And, yup, she pretty much did it. She layered my hair! And my bangs? Hardly look different than when I went in there.

I had a feeling she was giving me a hatchet job, but you can't really see what's going on back there, you know? Plus, I'm very near sited and I had to keep taking my glasses off so they didn't get stuck in the comb. In fact, at one point, she actually broke a comb in my hair! When I got up and looked on the floor, I saw my blonde locks in piles every where. B*tch!

Really, hair dresses are worse than medical doctors. They don't listen to you! I guess I'm back to being a 40+ hippy now because I will never walk into a salon again....as God is my witness!

Now I know hair will grow, but what really sucks about all of this is that I've been working my *ss off, exercising, watching what I eat, I'm even going shopping next week (and I hate shopping... I like stuff, just don't like going to get it), all of this so I look like a put together professional academic beautiful brainiac when I present my dissertation. Now I may have to walk in there with a bag on my head.

Retiring My Pants

Well, not great news from the scale, but not awful either. I'm pretty much the same. However, I'm still feeling okay about my approach. I plan to try on my khaki pants later today and see how they fit, after I exercise and clean up.

Speaking of exercising, I was so not into it last night after getting home from work, but I usually start with, "Oh, hell, I'll just do the 2 mile with no weights." Then I move up to convincing myself "2 miles and weights" and finally by the time I pop the DVD in I can usually talk myself into doing the 3 mile, which I managed to do last night. I even managed to do the weights with the 3 mile. I'm up this morning in my grups ready to tackle the 3 mile again.

Hopefully, my khaki's will tell me I'm on the right track, but for now, I actually retired 2 pairs of fat pants to the back of the closet yesterday. Eventually, I'll send them out the door because I know it's not a good thing to keep them around. It makes it too convenient to slip up.

Rear in Gear

Back from work now, and while I had every intention of eating enough healthy stuff so that I wouldn't be hungry and thus would be able to exercise when I got home, I just didn't feel like eating much today. I ate a protein bar on the car trip home, so that helped some. But, now I need to gear up and try to exercise, even if I do the 2 mile I need to do something. I really feel like taking a nap.

Something about Sundays, all hell tends to break loose at work. First, we had some weird guy hanging out at the back door where employees enter, so I had to write that up. Then later a patron's bike was stolen, so I had to call the police. And, about this same time, the elevator doors jammed opened, so I had to call the elevator company, who were closed of course, to come out and fix it. Luckily, we had a police officer come by earlier in the day just to check that we were all okay, and she promised to stop by on Sundays and check in on a regular basis.

Okay, enough....time to gear up and walk, walk, walk!

About Yesterday

Boy, I really tried to be good yesterday, but I have my doubts. First, there's that fish. How many calories was it really? It's hard to say. I counted it as about 400. Then I got home and the dh had made some sugar free jello, which I ate thinking at first, hey, it's sugar free. It can't be that much. But again, I'm not sure because he had thrown the package away.

These are the kind of little things that can really come back and bite you in the butt, literally. I also sort of lost track of my nightly munching. Now I didn't go ballistic, but I didn't stick strictly to my pre-planned menu for the day, so I feel like the whole day was a guess when it comes down to my calorie count.

On an up note, even though I really, really, really didn't feel like exercising at all yesterday, especially considering my long car trip that day, I managed to do my 3mile walking DVD, minus some of the weights. However, I still don't feel reassured this morning. I still feel "off" in a way.

All I can do is take control of today, though.

Khaki Capris

The scale was not kind to me this morning, but I'm not going to let it totally freak me out, at least not yet. While the scale says that I gained a lb. back, my clothes are saying something very different. I even have a few of my fat pants (which were tight by the way - pathetic - I know) that pretty much swim on me so are no longer wearable. Plus, I wore my green pants to work the other day, all day, and they are cotten, so by the time I got home, they were pretty baggy.

Therefore, now that I no longer have my green pants to help gauge my progress, I pulled another pair out of my closet, my khaki capris. They now fit over my hips and I can zip them, but just barely. So, while I plan to try the scale out again in a few days, I'm also going to try these on every few days as well. Maybe I did gain a lb, but then again, maybe it is just water weight, or the scale if f-ed up, or who knows, but after my last experience where one day I was one weight and the next I was 2 lbs lighter, I've learned that my scale, which BTW is digital and should be farily decent quality since I paid about $40 for it, but I've learned it is not the end all in gauging my progress.

Today is another challenge. I'm eating out at a cafeteria style place. I'm visiting my young nephews, oh and their mom and grandmother of course too, and this is a great place to bring kids, so they are regulars. I even ate there when I was kid, many, many, many years ago! My game plan is to get fish, even though it's fried (fitday puts it at 400 calories) and lots of green vegies like green beans and cabbage. While the fish is hirer than I'd like and I could just eat a bunch of vegies, I know the fish, since it's a protein, will stick with me, while a plate of beans and cabbage and broccoli will only make me hungry an hour later. So, the plan is to eat this hirer calorie meal and if I get hungry later (which of course I will....not trying to kid anyone here!) then I'll have a salad with rice vinegar dressing, which is like eating air basically.

Well, got to hit the road. Wish me luck!

Busy, Busy Days

Yesterday was so crazy, I didn't even get a chance to blog here. However, I did make time to fill out my fitday menu, but just barely. It was just one of those days when I literally had no lunch time, and eating, therefore, was tricky to say the least. But, days like yesterday make planning even more important than ever because I have to have some kind of control or I'd be totally f-ed for the day.

This whole thinking ahead when it comes to eating is still a major hurdle of mine. I am normally the type of person that I just don't think about that kind of thing until I'm hungry. Then, it's like, okay, look around, what is easy and quick. But easy and quick usually means fattening and not necessarily something that is going to keep me full.

Today is another difficult day because I may be going out to lunch, but again, it's all in the planning. My lunch buddies aren't exactly sure where we will go. If you don't know where you're going to eat, how do you plan anything? What to do?

I realized this morning as I was filling out the day's menu that I basically have to instigate. If no one wants to decide, then I decided to suggest a place. For example, there's a restaurant close by that I know I can get a pretty decent lettuce and shrimp salad, minus the bread they served with it last time. The shrimp part has some mayo in it, so not super thinning, but shrimp means protein, so it should stick with me most of the day.

Hopefully, my planning will pay off. I decided not to step on the scale today. Since I had such nice results last Saturday, I'm going to try it again tomorrow.

Fish and Other Successes

My fish turned out okay yesterday. I had a brainstorm and realized fried fish always tastes good. So, I cut up my catfish in small pieces, powdered it with soy flour, and fried it in a skillet with a mix of Pam and faux butter. Not the most attractive fish in the world, but tastie still.

It's funny how one day you can be all upset that things aren't going right, and a few days later everything seems to fall into place. I've now officially got 4lbs off, and I feel pretty good about this week. Hopefully, I'll see pound number 5 gone sometime soon.

I was also freaking out over graduating, and I still feel a little uneasy with all of that. However, out of the blue I was offered two web classes to teach at the school that hates me. Hell, I'm taking them. If nothing else, it will help me keep my pinky toe in academia, I'll make a little money from working at home (which is extra cool), and as an added bonus, I may get the opportunity to turn a few unsuspecting students onto some Victorian literature. Ha!

Today is grocery day, so first I have to write a thrilling article about hammers....yes, the life of freelance writer is really spellbinding....and then off to Publix where I hope no one in the deli offers me a piece of cheese.

Fishy Cooking

I just uploaded my food menu for the day in fitday.com. So far, like I've said, I've found this challenging, but it is kind of helpful. Even if I change things a little throughout the day by adding and subtracting various foods, on the whole, it gives me game plan to follow. So, I'm going to try to keep doing it.

One issue I've run into lately is that I've been trying to eat more fish. Honeslty, I'm probably one of the few people on the planet that can admit to actually liking the taste of fish, but since my cooking skills are rudimentary, I'm not always that successful, especially with something like fish. Sometimes it works and I cook a great piece and sometimes it turns out kind of icky. The main issue I have is trying to determine when the dang this is cooked all the way through! If it weren't for all the sodium issues, I'd just buy it precooked in the freezer section and nuke it.

Other than trying to figure out how to cook a piece of catfish, my food problems shouldn't be too difficult today because I'm home all day writing. I had lunch yesterday with a friend who made the comment that it must be hard working at home because she would be eating all the time (ouch). However, for me, it's pretty much the opposite. At home, I control what I eat and when I eat. When I go to my crap job, that's not the case. Birthday cakes pop up in the break room. Party sandwiches leftover from the day before are announced through the grapevine. Then there's the "let's go out to lunch" thing, which is totally understandable because you what to get the hell out of there, if even for an hour. All of these little thing add up to control problems, at least for me. Maybe some people would find their heads stuck in the frig all day if they were working from home, but I really hate it when people assume that's the case for me. I make a fairly decent income from my writing, and if you think about it for a few minutes, you'd realize no one could do this if they were sitting around watching TV all day and eating bon-bons.

Blessed Scale!

Yes, yes, I know I said I was going to try to not weigh myself today, but I did it, and I'm glad. I don't really understand how I could supposedly lose 2lbs so quicky, but the scale said exactly what it did on Saturday morning, so I'm going to believe it. Maybe I had water weight issues on Friday. Who knows?

Last night I noticed that my PJ bottoms felt a little lose, and these are the ones I usually don't like to wear because they are tighter than the rest. However, I was down to my last pair because my dryer is acting up. I pretty much have to run it for 3 or more cycles before I can dry a load, so I'm very far behind with the laundry this week. They were all I had to sleep in.

Since going into a tail-spin on Friday, I have been fabulously good about my food, sticking really close to my 1500 calorie goal. So while that one day was depressing, it was a good wake up call for me.

Now, to just keep it going. I plan to do the 3mile DVD this morning and I'm off to write up my food for the day.

1414

Getting ready to head for bed and my total calories are 1414! Not too bad, especially for a busy day. Plus, I managed to do the 2mile DVD when I got home from work. I'm sooo sooo tempted to weigh in tomorrow, but I'm really going to try to hold off.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow. The good news is that I purposely picked an eatery that has a web site and the menu is posted on it. This way I can have my game plan ready before I get there. That makes such a huge difference for me when dining out. One tip I remember from WW is that the instructor once said when she eats out she always tries to order first. This way it is much easier for her to eat what she should versus cave in and order something she knows she shouldn't eat. Plus, this sort of sets things up for the others you are eating with, sets an example, that often they will follow.

Okay, going to check out the web site and then off to dream land.....

Just a Quickie

I'm getting ready to head off to work soon, so not a lot of time to chat. I did fill out most of today's food menu on fitday.com, but I really find it tough to do. Sundays especially are weird for me because I work 1/2 a day, smack dab in the middle of the day. That means, basically, no real lunch for me. Plus, I need to eat a little something before I leave work so that I am not hungry when I get home and can then exercise.

Also, it feels weird having to come up with food for the entire day. I mean, what if I feel like eating something else? Even something that is still low-cal?

Oh, and yesterday went pretty well. I ate 1700 calories, more than the 1500 I wanted, but heck, it was Saturday and that means wine night, so I ate an extra piece of cheese and another bag of crackers so I wouldn't drink on an empty stomache - never a good idea you know.

Fingers crossed, I'll manage to do at the very least the 2mile walk today, though I hope I can psyche myself up for the 3!

So Far, So Good

I managed to do the 3mile workout on my DVD again today. Boy, that is a rough one. I'm still not able to do all the stuff with the weights as yet. I sort of pick them up and put them down, but I don't stop marching, which is basically what she calls "walking." It is obviously a major step up from the 2mile she has on this same DVD because with that one I don't really feel that tired afterwards. I work up a sweet, but that's about it. With the 3mile, I'm ready to take a nap afterwards!

I'm also on track with the food so far. Today I tried something a little different. Instead of writing down food as I ate it, I wrote down everything I planned to eat for the day and just tried to stick with that. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I had to tweek things a little because, for example, I'd planned on eating 2 cups of broccoli, but it was kind of in bad shape (which is why it was on sale I'm sure), so - picky eater that I am - I didn't eat much of it. So, that kind of stuff sort of gummed up the works, but other than that it wasn't too bad. I may try this for awhile and see if it helps.

Focus, Focus, Focus!

Yesterday was such a sucky day for me. It began with the scale, and of course, I was very disappointed with myself. However, instead of giving up, I decided to stop and think about why I was sabotaging myself. I'm usually not an emotional eater, or so I'd like to think, so I don't often connect my mood with my eating, but I knew something wasn't right up here [touching head]. I also knew that for some reason I have been extra tired and hungry for about a week now. This is not to say that I'm not like this once in awhile, but this was different. This was day after day, which isn't usually "me."

The more I thought about it I realized that I was sort of in a funk ever since sending off my completed dissertation to my advisor for what should be his last review. At first, I felt a huge relief that this thing was off my back for a few weeks. I have worked on it for about a year now, dedicating at least a few days a week, every week, to writing it. It was a relief. But, then as the days passed by I sort of missed it. Now, it's not like I don't have other writing work to do, and I did start on other projects during this time, but I soon realized that.....shock and dismay....I'm almost done with this thing!

As most people who have gone to school in any form after high school knows, you get the "what are you going to do when you graduate" line from just about every Dick and Harry on the planet. Needless to say, working on yet another graduate degree, I get this A LOT! Right now, I can just brush them off with a "well, let me graduate first and then deal with it," and that actually satisfied myself to a certain extent too. But now, with the real possibility that I may really graduate in December, I realize that...crap!...I'm actually going to have to come up with something after this. And, damn! after all this time in school, it better be good! Plus, I'm going to be out of academia, possibly forever if I don't get a teaching job, right? Honeslty, I'm not 100% sure I really want to teach again, but even if I did, my prospects due to the fact I'm not in a position to just pick up and move are pretty dim, practically nill. When I first started this degree, this wasn't necessarily the case because I was teaching part-time at the local community college, but to cut to the chase here, we now have a mutal non-admiration society going on, so that school is not an option.

Okay, back to my food issues then.

I called C. last night and told her about all of this to a certain extent, and she told me that I could not control the future, that I need to focus on now and what my goals are now, and that happens to be losing some weight before my defense. I should look at this like another job, a writing project, and not let stuff that may or may not happen in the future stress me out now because there's really not a damn thing I can do about them (Okay, she didn't say damn, but you get the idea).

She's right. I am all over the road, and worrying about what I'll do come Jan. 2007 right now is a total waste of energy. Today, I started with writing out all the food I plan to eat today on my fitday.com account and coming here to post (which really helps me focus so I need to do more of...look out!). I also plan to do my walking DVD, which by the way, I did the 3 miles yesterday, amazing what a little depression will do for you! And, I plan to really try to eat a good amount of protein so I don't get hungry.

Oh, and one other weird thing, I stepped on the scale this morning (yes, I know!) and it said I weighed 2 lbs less than yesterday. That's right, yesterday! But, I totally don't believe it and so I tried on my green pants, and while they zip, I see no other difference in the fit. So honeslty, I'm not sure what to think about that scale or my whole weigh in once a week philosophy. I plan, however, to listen to the pants more so than the scale from now on.

Undoing My Good Work

I've held off posting until I got the news from the scale this morning: no change.

On the one hand, of course, I'm grateful that the few paltry pounds I've lost did not return, but on the other, it's very frustrating that my occasional slips make such a huge impact on my lack of weight loss.

I could understand this better if I was secretly scarfing down a pint of ice cream every night, or even every other night, but the handful of nuts, piece of lunch meat, or egg salad sandwich now and then is obviously enough to undo all my good work the previous days.

My dissertation defense grows nearer and that means my shopping date, scheduled for late Sept. does as well. At this rate, I'll be lucky if I lose 5 pounds let alone 10!

So, yes, I'm pretty disgusted with myself. In fact, it is very tempting to say f-it and throw in the towel, but the thing is that I know I can do this. I've done it before. My usual issue has to do with keeping the weight off once I lose it. It's a matter of dedication and consistency. So, no. I'm not going to say f-it. I'm going to say a big F, how's that? But I'm still determined.

When There's No Excuse

Yesterday, I so didn't feel like exercising. I'm not exactly sure what the deal was, maybe the fact that my allergies have been acting up, probably more so that I'm just lazy, but I really had almost no motivation last night. What is weird too is that the day before I actually went walking, outside no less, for 55 minutes for a total of 3 miles. I managed to catch a time that it didn't rain, but it was so humid outside that I was literally dripping from head to toe when I got back.

So, why the very next day was I so not in the mood to exercise? Well, obviously, if I had the answer to that question I would be rich because I think most people have this hot and cold issue when it comes to exercise.

I kept debating and debating with myself until finally a little after 7 pm I realized I really had no excuse. Tired is not an excuse. I popped in my walking DVD and did the 2 mile routine, and you know what? When I plugged the stats into fitday.com, I realized that (according to fiday) I burned as many calories marching for 30 minutes as I did walking for almost an hours the day before, 164 to be exact.

I spent a short time on my high school drill team and we marched like maniacs after school, so this does make sense to me, but it was still a pleasant surprise, and afterwards I felt so much better that I had gotten off my tush and done something, runny nose and all.

Weigh in Day Switch

My official weekly weigh in day has been Monday, but starting this week, I'm switching it to Friday. I got this idea from a fellow co-worker who does hers on Fridays because she explained that she often gets into trouble on the weekends, and this way she has the rest of the week to recoup. I think this is the case with most people.

For example, this weekend I had great plans. Heck, I was even working all weekend and would be away from home and temptation, or so I thought. But, of course, I'd forgotten that on Friday (when I wasn't there) a party was thrown for someone who was leaving. So when I got to work and put my oh-so-good-low-cal lunch in the frig, I opened it to find loads of yummy food. Now, actually, I was pretty good. I scumbed to some of those tiny triangle sandwiches, you know the kind that have tuna and egg salad in them, but that's about it. Still, it wasn't on the food plan for the day.

To top it off, yesterday at work we were one person short, so I ended up having to work in circulation and reference both and that meant going up and down the stairs all day. We do have an elevator, but I figured I could use the exercise. Plus our elevator smells like BO, so I do my best to avoid it. But, all this meant that I was exhausted when I got home and didn't do any exercise liked I'd hoped.

So, Fridays it is. I am resisting the urge to step on the scale today. My green pants still fit, so that is enough for me now. Hopefully, I can keep it together for the rest of the week and have a pleasant surprise on Friday.

Walking DVD Rocks

Maybe "rocks" is kind of stretching it, but so far I like the Walk Away the Pounds DVD I just got. I've done the 2 mile routine twice now, and it's definitely a good workout. I got my heart rate up and a pretty good sweat going. The 2 mile is 30 minutes long, and according to the U.S. National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute, exercising about 30 mintues a day is pretty much the minimum you need to do to stay healthy:

"To maintain health, all adults should be moderately active for at least 30 minutes per day on most days of the week," Karen A. Donato, program coordinator of the NHLBI's Obesity Education Initiative, said in a prepared statement.

"To help manage body weight and prevent unhealthy weight gain, at least 60 minutes per day is recommended. Children and adolescents also need to be active for at least 60 minutes per day," Donato said.

So, yes, obviously, I need to work up to doing the 3 mile routine on this DVD, which is 47 minutes long. I may try to go for it tomorrow. Today, I'm working about a half day, and if I can manage to get the 2 mile done when I get home, then I'll be okay with that.

I still miss walking outside, so I'll have to see how it goes with the weather and all. But, with the constant rain we have been getting and the fact that it is getting darker sooner now, this is a nice alternative.

Exercise Makes You Creative

Often during my daily walk, even if I'm now stuck walking inside these days due to all the rain, I find my mind wandering. Sometimes it is silly stuff like imagining I'm on the Ellen DeGeneres show promoting my new novel, which of course is wildly successful. But most often I've got something on my mind that needs figuring out. For example, maybe I'm thinking about the next section of my dissertation that I need to tackle. Or, I might have a jewelry design I'm working on. Repetitive excercise like walking or riding my bike always gets my creative juices flowing, and it looks like I'm not alone according to this article from the Kansas City Star:

Fitness buffs of all professions have long known that the best way to unlock creativity is to go for a bike ride, run or swim.

Now science is proving that eureka moments during exercise are more than anecdote.

Stephen Ramocki, a marketing professor at Rhode Island College, found that a single aerobic workout is enough to kick the brains of college students into higher gear — and that the benefit lasts at least a couple of hours. To function optimally, each person’s brain needs a physically fit body, Ramocki says.

Creativity tends to be the result of a two-stage process, says R. Keith Sawyer, a psychologist at Washington University in St. Louis.

The first stage is data gathering. That’s when you’re working hard to bone up on background material that you’ll need to solve your problem. But the moment of insight tends to come when, having worked hard, you take time off for a change of pace.

Perhaps that’s because during the preparation stage, the mind is so narrowly focused that it ignores random-seeming associations percolating in the subconscious. Yet creativity is, by definition, the process of making unexpected leaps.

When you’re deliberately working on a problem, such thoughts seem like distractions, so you tune them out. To free up the mind, Sawyer says, creative people tend to schedule “idle time” in which to do something completely different, such as listening to music or taking a bike ride.

There you go - yet another excuse to exercise regularly.

Back Into the Green Pants!

I've been pretty good all week, sticking to around 1500 calories, and yesterday my pants felt a little on the lose side. So, this morning, I took the "green pants" test and passed. I'm back in baby!

More good news is that my walking DVD showed up yesterday. I had to work most of the day at my crap job and it had been raining all day, plus my job is extra boring, so the day just dragggggeeeddd. I was really tired and arguing with myself on the way home about exercising. Could I go for a real walk? Would I get rained out? The skys were not looking good.

My new DVD was there to greet me when I got home, and I knew I had to at least try it out. There are 3 workouts on this DVD, a 1 mile, a 2 mile, and a 3 mile. I did the 1, which was only 18 minutes long, just to test the waters.

I was pleased to discover that she also uses hand weights, so I'll have to dig mine out. Today, though, I'm going to try the 2 mile. The 1 was okay and suprisingly I did get a little sweaty, but it was not really that challenging. I know I can easily do the 2 if not the 3. Another cool thing on this DVD is that she tells you how far you've walked throughout the exercise, so that's motivational.

Now, I just have to hang tough these next two days before my weigh in on Monday. Actually, I'm not anticipating too much trouble because I work all weekend. Yes, it's a holiday, but hey, that's one reason I call this a "crap-job." I just have to make sure I pack plenty of low-cal healthy food, and I should be okay.

Good-Bye Ernesto Hello Exercise!

Since waking up Monday to the news that Ernesto was coming, I've been running around cleaning the house, getting laundry done, washing every dish in the house, gasing up my car, getting a few groceries, and typing away like a mad-woman to get all my web writing done just in case the power were to go out.

Of course, thankfully, Ernesto has not been that bad. In fact, for whatever reason he decided to spare us here in Port St. Lucie, and we have been getting the occassional pocket of high wind and rain but nothing like we were expecting even as a tropical strom. And, knock on wood, we've had no power outages.

With all this running around the house, I have not had time to do my regular running, or actually, my walking and I really feel it. We are expecting more rain throughout the weekend, but this shows me that I really need a plan B. Where oh where is the Walk Away the Pounds DVD I ordered Amazon?

Yes, I do have other exercise videos, and obviously, it is time to break one of those out, but, still, even with DVDs and videos, one of the things I enjoy about my walk is getting out of the house. I tend to be a major home-body. In fact, I actually get a little OCD sometimes when I have to leave for my crap-job or even take a few hours away from home to run errands. What if the house burns down while I'm gone? What if someone tries to break in? What if? What if? Lots of stupid stuff like that.

Getting out of the house, even though it's down the block a little, helps me clear my head, not just my arteries. Walking is easy too. I manage to sweet (boy, howdy do I) and get my heart rate up, but I don't have too much trouble with injuries (which I used to have all the time when I ran many years ago). Plus, it's very low tech. You just need some decent tennis shoes, but other than that, throw on some grubby clothes, grab your cell phone/walkman, and you're set.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully, we will see enough sunshine so I can get a walk in. If not, then I have the following exercise videos to choose from: yoga, ballet, and aerobics. Which will it be? I'll keep you posted.

Fresca and Sodium

I recenlty posted about soda and sodium and how you have to watch the sodium content on diet drinks.

Well, I took another look at my liter of Fresca the other day and realized it does have sodium, though only 25mg a serving.

I was under the impression it didn't have any, so I thought I should correct myself here.

Of course, again, 25mg is pretty punnie compared with some diet drinks that have 65 to 70mg, but some people can be very sensitive to sodium.

If you notice things like your fingers or feet swelling after a salty meal or an extra few pounds gained in one day, then this could be caused by water weight which could be caused by the salt contained in what you ate.

Us fatand40 folks have enough to deal with when it comes to extra weight. We sure don't need to gain water weight!

(picture from zenandjuice.com)

Hurricane Weight Gain

We are waiting for Ernesto. Today I went by the grocery store to pick up a few things. We really didn't need much, and since we have a generator, we should be able to keep most of the food in the frig in case we lose power. But, since I usually go shopping mid-week, we were out of a few things, and after the storm, the stores tend to be bare, so I dragged myself in there.

I managed to lose pound number 2 per my weigh in today, but I really need to be on guard now with the hurricane coming. I saw lots of folks stocking up on things like potato chips, bread, crackers, carbs, carbs, carbs. Fat, fat, fat, and it reminded me of 2004 when we had 2 storms hit our area. It was very easy to just eat as a way to bring some comfort to yourself. And, mainly, I ate junk.

Plus, while MREs (meals ready to eat) are tastey and very handy when you have no power, they are loaded with calories, at least 2,000. Preparing for me now includes thinking about the food I'll eat when the lights go out and the wind and rain starts up.

Diet Drinks and Sodium

My sodium intake is something I honestly never considered before until recently. I've lost the same spare tire about 3 times, and now on attempt number 4, I've begun to realize that sodium can be a real problem when in comes to retaining water weight. So, I'm starting to pay attention. (Yes, I know I'm slow, but better late than never.)

Diet soda and other diet drinks are one of those things I thought were really harmless until I read the side of a can or liter bottle. According to the About.com Nutrition site, the average can of diet soda has about 60mg of sodium. I know, not much, but add them up with all the other foods and beverages you eat throughout the day, and considering that the average person shouldn't have more than about 2,400mg, it's something to think about.

I even read in an article recently that diet soda drinkers tend to have a hirer risk of weight gain, though the medical community has no clue as to why.

I've never been a big drinker of sodas generally because of the carbonation. It bothers my stomache if I drink too much of it. I really prefer drinks like diet lemonades or other diet drinks that aren't carbonated. However, even those I noticed have about the same amount of sodium as diet sodas. My own perference for an oragne and red diet drink put out by Tropicana, which are yummy, have 70mg per serving.

Here are a few alternatives though. First, for those who like the fizz, check out good old Fresca. It tastes great and has zero calories and zero sodium. Another drink option, other than water of course, is the various flavors of Crystal Light available. Again, zero sodium.

Still, I think nothing can replace water, so I try to limit myself to a few glasses of diet beverages a day, and instead, do my best to drink tons of water with a lemon wedge for a little added flavor.

Fat Chick Get Hits by Lightening

I got rained out again today for my walk. I knew I should have gone earlier today, but it was so dang hot out! It is much nicer to go in the evenings because it's cooler and then I can just come home, take a shower, and get in my jams and I'm ready to chill for the evening. When I walk early in the day, the heat just sucks out any energy I have, and then I have a heck of a time recouping when I get home and getting any work done.

If you know anything about Florida, then you know it's not a good idea to go walking when it's raining or even looking like it might rain. We are the lightening capital of the world, and for good reason! I have tried braving it a few times, only to see a bunch of lighting and chickening out and high-tailing it home. I kept picturing the headlines in my local paper "Fat Chick Gets Hit by Lightening." And, of course, readers would say, "What the heck was she thinking? Good way to get healthy! Not."

To help with this walking and rain problem, I finally broke down and ordered a walking DVD. I know. It sounds stupid, but a number of women at my crap-job have raved about Walk Away the Pounds and some of Leslie Sansone's other DVDs, so I figured for $15 (including shipping) what the heck.

One good thing about this DVD (I borrowed one from one the gals at my crap-job) is that it doesn't take much room to do it. You walk, but you also do kicks, move side to side a little, squats, march, that kind of thing, so you only need a few feet of room to do it. This is good because I may need to watch it on my computer screen rather TV due to the fact that we only have one (working) TV in the house, and that TV is also in the room where my dogs hang out, and oh, they just love helping me exercise. Just try to downward facing dog with two 95 lbs dogs in your face.

Poor Nicole Richie

On my most recent trip to the grocery store, I was cruising the magazine racks looking for something interesting to read while I waited in the deli because you never know how long you will be there. That place is usully jamming. And I saw the most horrific picture on the front of some stupid tabloid of poor Nicole Richie, skin and bones!

My heart just went out to her. Here I am struggling with getting weight off and thinking sometimes how nice it would be to just have enough control so that I wouldn't eat for a few weeks so I'd get down to the next size before my dissertation defense, and then I saw her picture and realized that my problems are just so small compared to some people's.

According to one article that popped up on my Google Alerts, her dad didn't even realize what was happening to her:

He says, "I didn't even notice it at first, because when you see somebody so much, you don't see what other people see. "I asked her if she eats properly. I always made sure she ate when she was at our home. I couldn't see any strange eating habits. She ate fine. So, I stopped worrying. "And no, I don't smuggle sandwiches into her Gucci bags."

Now, I am in no way falting him. He's her dad, but she is an adult and from the rest of this short article it sounds like she obviously no longer lives at home.

This whole food issue things goes both ways. It is all a matter of control, either lack of or too much control!

The Lure of the Scale

I have found myself doing something this week that I know is a big "no-no" - weighing myself every day. It is a horrible, horrible habit and very hard to stop doing. It's sort of compulsive. I can't help myself. They (whoever "they" are) say you should weigh yourself once a week at the most.

I know that from day to day everyone's weight fluctuates, and with a digital scale, you actually get down to point whatever - 1XX.5; 1XX.2; and so on - so it really does nothing but drive me insane.

I originally started doing this because I thought it would be a good way to get my mind set for the day, sort of like posting here. You start the day off right with "I weigh this much, and I'm going to be good today no matter what temptation comes my way." But, in reality, it's more like "Damn! I was so good yesterday and I'm .4 pounds more than I was yesterday? What the h*ll?"

So, that is it! I am not going near that thing until Monday, which is supposed to be my normal weigh in day. That's just 2 days. I can handle 2 days. Sure, yes, I can.

As far as the diet, things have been okay this week. Yesterday was tough because I had to help set for a program at work and that meant putting out chips and cookies for the guests, which I didn't eat any of, but later I had the terrible munchies. I did munch, but luckily, I still managed to stay under my 1500 calorie mark for the day. Though I'm beginning to wonder if that is still too high for the sort of weight loss I need right now, those 10 lbs I need off by October. But, I'll wait to decide on Monday.

Costly Cantaloupe

The cantaloupes at the grocery store have been beyond horrid lately, and I have really missed eating them. Not only do they taste great, especially mixed in with some 2% cottage cheese, they are super duper low in calories.

Today, I saw a pile of beauties while shopping. But, of course, they were twice as much as I was paying for them before. $3 each!

I hesitated for a few moments and then realize that it was worth the $3 because (a) I like them; (b) they are good for me; (c) I can get a few meals/snacks out of just one.

This reminded me of one lesson I learned while on Weight Watchers. I normally didn't like to go to the meetings because they were usually full of people talking about how they had cookies hidden in their closets or how they got up at midnight and ate a gallon of ice cream or other way out there stories. But now and then, espeically if I was falling off the wagon, I'm make myself stay for a meeting, and very often, I'd learn a tid bit or two that I did find helpful.

At one of these meetings the instructor talked about how she loved red peppers (which give me the burps, ick), but they are so expensive. However, they are very good for you and hardly have any calories, so she treats herself to them now because she feels she is worth it. Her point was that sometimes good food is not cheap, but we are all worth a few extra dollars when it comes to our health.

So, buy the cantaloupe, red pepper, aspargus, whatever it is because we are all worth it.

Fatand40 Going Mainstream?

I'm considering a change to Fatand40 and I thought I'd consult my huge fan base here ;)

I have the opportunity to maybe (as in also maybe not) moving Fatand40 to a blog network. Here are some of the pros and cons as I see them.

Pros:

• Possibly a little money. I have to put this up at the top of course, but we are talking "a little" as enough to keep me well stocked in Pria bars. It eventually could turn into more, but I have learned this isn't something to count on when it comes to writing on the web.
• More readers and more incentive. As part of a network, you immediately increase your readership because each blog on the network is linked to each other. More readers would, for me, equal more incentive (or pressure depending on how you look at it) to lose weight.
• Expanded weight loss and diet topic. Though I'll continue to journal my progress or at times lack of, I will also broaden my writing topics to cover more about wieght loss and diet. Being so into this now, I've been reading more and more about it, and really, it's always been a topic of interest to me, so I'd just share from what I've learned myself.

Cons:

• Some loss of control. Of course, as with anything that you don't completely own yourself, there is a price to pay and with a blog that means that I would have to answer to someone else for a change. That means posting regularly (though I'm pretty prolific right now) and thinking about stuff like search engine optimization.
• Being really out there. This is a public blog now, but with about the 6 people who actually read it, I feel pretty safe to talk about personal stuff. With more people reading, I wonder if I would start to censor myself more. Would I lose my "voice" so to speak?
• Not an expert. I'm very much not an expert on this whole diet and exercise thing. Heck, if I was, I wouldn't have started writing about it in the first place. I'd be skinny and in great shape and wonder why everyone else was so fat. Again, with a larger readership I worry that people might expect me to be an expert rather than understand that I'm just like the average 40 something who will always have a battle with the bulge.

I'd really love your feedback on this. While money is always a good thing (those Pria bars aren't cheap!), I wouldn't be doing this for just money. Should I just stay here and be safe and keep it fun, which it is? Should I venture out? Am I insane for even thinking about it?

No Fat Chicks

Driving home today from shopping for some new walking sneaks and some other exercise clothes, which I was in dire need of, I passed a rust-bucket of a truck that said "No Fat Chicks" on the back.

Now, we are talking about a major crap car that you couldn't pay this fat chick to stick her pinky toe in. And, as I listened to my Cyndi Lauper CD, I thought about want an idiot must be driving that icky truck.

Why so much pressure on women to be skinny and not men?

I pictured the driver with a wad of chewing tobacco in is upper lip and a gut hanging over his greasy jeans. He wishes he could get a fat chick, any chick for that matter.

Why doesn't he just put a "I'm a Loser" sign on the back of his truck instead?

When the Body Says Nope

One thing that really sucks about getting old is the fact that your body just doesn't do what you want it to, what you used to do a million times before. Sometimes it just says, "U-u, nada, nope."

Since my getting back to my walking routine and adding crochet to the mix, my body has been very uncooperative.

I started seriously walking in Janurary, and while I did notice my body was extra cranky, I basically ignored it until recently when I couldn't walk for awhile and then started back again. When I wasn't walking, the crankiness stopped. No stiff hips, no stiff or pain in the feet. Now, it's all back. What gives? Here I am exercising regularly and my body is not a happy camper.

To top it off, my hands are having major carpel tunnel (did I spell that right?) to the point of numbness. Not good. I know this is due to the crochet. I do tend to have hand issues with all the typing and jewelry making I do, but not to this extent. Plus, I have had the same kind of thing happen in the past when I was waitressing. My hands would go totally numb and I'd lose control and drop stuff. It was like my brain was saying, "Pick up the plate." And the message just didn't make it to my fingers.

I have no way to remedy this for now. Really, just venting. It sucks getting old, but I so don't plan to stop doing either. So, Body, get ova it!

One Pound at a Time

It is now official. Since getting sick and having to restart my diet all over again, I finally got my first real pound off. Admittedly, it would probably have been 2 if it weren't for my party hardy attitude on Saturday, but I'm still happy to see one pound gone.

I've got plans to eat some fish today, red snapper, and even bake a potatoe, and use faux butter on it, so that's a nice low-cal lunch that should stick with me most of the day. I have noticed that if I make an effort to eat more protein I don't get so hungry.

Fingers crossed, it won't rain tonight and I'll manage to get another good walk in.

Birthday Party Report

Yesterday I finally had some good news from my scale, so the pressure was on to be good. And, I think I was pretty good at the party, though not fabulous. I wasn't eating carrot sticks all day, but I didn't go crazy either. Plus, when I got home not only did I go for a walk, though I really wanted to take a nap after all that driving, but I managed to walk for almost an hour versus my usual 30 minute deal. It's my goal to get up to an hour of walking a day, so this alone was very encouraging. Hopefully, I can do it again tonight after I get home from work.

Some of my strategies for the party worked, but they need some tweeking before I go to another party. My egg breakfast actually stuck with me, so I wasn't hungry when I got there and I barely ate any of my grapes even while I was driving. When I arrived, they were getting ready to cut the cake because my sister had sort of 2 shifts of guests, kids in the morning and immediate family in the afternoon. So I just ate a very small piece of cake, basically a few bites, but that was pretty much it until the rest of the guests left.

She didn't have the vegies plate like she usually did, but I brought a salad and low-cal dressing. This was a good idea actually. However, she didn't set it out until after the food on the grill was ready to eat, so by then I was getting kind of hungry and I ate a few wings and some fried shrimp she had out for us to snack on. Looking back, I should have asked to have the salad put out and maybe next time I'll bring extra plates for it so it could work as an appetizer too. I could have filled up on salad while I was waiting instead of wings and shrimp. I made a really large salad, so there was a lot left after we all ate. Thus, plenty of salad was there to eat before and during the meal.

I'm back on it today, and while I don't dare step on the scale right now, I know what I did last week was working, so I'm just going to keep doing it. Hopefully, Monday when I weigh myself, things won't be too bad from my Saturday splurge.

Mulling Over Birthday Party Strategies

So I'm thinking about how I'm going to handle this Saturday at the big birthday party of my soon to be 4 year old nephew. Planning is really important for me when it comes to stuff like this. If I don't have some kind of plan, then I totally fall apart when I go to stuff like this. And, I know my sister will have some great food there because she's a wonderful cook. She even blogs about food.

Here are some things I'm thinking of trying:

• The real food won't show up until about 1 or 1:30pm, so I'm thinking of eating a high protein breakfast. Maybe a few eggs with some fat free cheese.
• I love to munch while driving. In fact, much of this weight came from my 2+ hour commute to school over the past few years. Thus, I thought of bringing some grapes for the ride there, and maybe the way back too.
• Another way to help the time go by while driving and stay distracted is a book on tape. I picked one up today, some comedian thing, but I may get another one just in case that one isn't as funny as it claims.
• Eat a very small piece of cake. Yes, it is a birthday, so I have to have cake, but that doesn't mean I need a huge piece with ice cream on the side. A few bites...a few bites...keep telling myself that.
• Fill up on veggie snacks and fruit. I know she'll have chips, dip, and a veggie plate and she also mentioned fruit. If I stay with the fruit and vegies I can still snack like everyone else. I just have to watch the chips and dip, which I can easily make a meal out of.

Hopefully, I'll think of more, but this is a start.

Why I'm Fat

Yippy for Crochet!

It seems to be working, and honestly, I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed it. For the past 2 nights, I've picked up a skein of yarn rather than a bowl of pop corn, and it has helped curb my eating tremendously. If I do eat or drink anything, I wait until about 10 and maybe have a glass of wine and a bag of 100 calorie crackers, but I'm still staying well below my 1500 cal mark even with those.

On the down side, my fingers are getting more of a work out than usual since I'm often either typing all day and/or making jewelry, and I'm trying to explain to one of my dogs (Rocky, aka Boo-Boo) that a skein or ball of yarn is not a dog toy. But both are issues I think I can deal with.

I did splurge yesterday and went to Wally-World for some yarn, and I even bought a little book on making crochet purses, which I'm sure I'll never have time to do. I was a tad disappointed at the selection (or lack of) at W. I remember years ago they used to have a whole long wall full of yarn. Now, my local W is down to one short isle.

Along with crocheting instead of munching, my other strategy is to give C. a quick call around 8pm. This is my danger-zone time, and she also needs a pick me up around then herself, so it's a good way to help us both out and keep us on track for the evening. Last night, she was dining on fish and broccoli and had saved an apple for later that evening when her husband came home for his late dinner (since he had to work that night).

Hopefully, I can keep this up. I'm attending a birthday party on Saturday, so I'm worried about that, but I'm already starting to plan a little. I wonder if anyone will notice me sitting in a corner crocheting?

Fatand40 Gets Press Coverage

Thanks to Hsien-Hsien Lei, PhD for featuring moi in A Hearty Life: Hearty Habits #11: Fat and 40

It feels weird that Fat and 40 me is in there, but if you read the rest of the info on this post, I guess I must be doing a little something right.

Lei posts tips now every Tuesday and Thursday, so sign up for her RSS feed or just remember to stop by regularly for some tips for keeping your heart healthy.

Learn to Crochet

I haven't posted in a while because basically, things have not been going well. And, as a result, I just got really frustrted and angry with myself. Now, it's not like I'm sitting down to a pint of ice cream every night, but it just boils down to lack of self control and eating when I don't need to do so.

I'm great during the day. The protein bars are good for keeping me until lunch. Even today, I managed to hold off and have a later than usual lunch. And, I'm walking again and eating fruits and vegies, but then by about 8pm that all goes out the window.

It starts, usually, with a glass of wine. Then some pop corn (air dried). Then maybe a few low-fat, low-cal crackers. Oh, yes, another glass of wine would be nice and so would a piece of cheese. Then next thing you know, I've racked up 400 or more caloires and honestly, I'm not eating because I'm hungry. I'm eating because it feels good after working all day to sit on my bum and munch and drink wine.

I wake up the next day totally pissed at myself for doing this and not an ounce lighter.

I called C. today and talked with her about it, and she is having similar problems only she is exercising like a maniac, so this makes her hungry. But eating when you are hungry makes sense. Eating just to eat does not.

For herself, she turned back to her food journal and realized she wasn't eating as much fish (which is loaded with protein) and a few other items that she, for whatever reason, hadn't been eating in awhile, so she's going to try adding those back to her diet.

She assumed at first that I too was hungry because usually by 8pm, my calorie count is pretty low, like anywhere from 1000 to 1400 at the most. But I'm not as active as she is. I sit all day typing and go for one 30 minute walk. That is just not the same as going to an aerobics class in the morning and then playing racket ball in the afternoon.

But, C. did come up with something that may help - crochet.

I basically need something to occupy myself when I'm relaxing in front the TV, but it can't be something too involved because I am pretty tired usually after working all day (who isn't, right?) I make jewelry and bead for a living and write about it, but that is the kind of thing that I need to pay attention to when I'm doing it. Crochet just takes a big hook and a roll of yarn and then I'm good to go.

I'm going to try it tonight. If it is successful, I may brave the Waly-World crowd tomorrow and splurge on some nice yarn.

Maybe I'll start a new diet trend - The Afghan Diet: Crochet Your Way to a Thinner You.

Powerful Bars

I've been using the power bars, in particular I like Pria bars, and so far, so good. For breakfast, they work really well because they keep me full until lunch. This is even true after my morning walk, which is amazing because I'm usually starving since it's about 100 degrees outside right now.

Yesterday, I had one in the morning for breakfast and it really kept me until a 1pm lunch. Then I had one around 5 or so (along with some grapes), and that gave me enough energy to go for a walk in the evening (since I couldn't take one that morning).

A few things to keep in mind, though, for anyone thinking of giving these a try. First, make sure you drink a lot of water or similar liquids. I eat one for breakfast and drink a small pot of black tea with it and then also at least a large glass of water after that. This helps keep you full also and from having any possible stomache problems, which leads me to the next issue with these guys, bathroom time, and a fair amount of it. And, I don't just mean a number 1, if you know what I mean. This is also one reason I try not to eat one after 5pm.

I prefer the Pria because they taste good, but they also have fewer calories than most of the other protein bars I've found. Of course, there's a trade off because they also have less protein (5g) than these bars too. If I were a body builder, this might be more of an issue for me. But, I'm using these for weight loss (hopefully), and I'm also interested in addng more protein to my diet because I don't eat much meat.

Two Months

I had lunch with C. yesterday at Crispers, and told her my issue about how the disseration defense is going to be a few months sooner than I had expected. Luckily, on the writing front, I'm in good shape. On the fat front, well, my shape is pretty much the same.

She agreed that there was no way, short of lipo, that I'd lose the original weight I had in mind (about 30 lbs) in just a few months. However, she thinks I could lose 10 lbs by early October, and so that's my new goal, at least for now. Basically, I'm going to try to stay around 1500 calories for the next 8 weeks with the hope of losing around 1lb a week.

Since getting sick, I'm starting from scratch yet again, but I think this is a goal I can manage. And, while I'd love to be 30lbs lighter, 10lbs will make a huge difference in how I feel and look.

Along with getting back on the food track, I'm walking again, which also feels like starting all over again, but at least, I'm starting to get the habit back.

Another good tip from C. is on the outfit I should wear. She suggested I head to Chicos because they have a lot of non-wrinkle wear that is "forgiving" as she kindly put it. So, we plan a shopping trip at the end of September.

The lunch ended in sort of a blood-sister pact without the blood where we both are going to shoot for 1500 calories over the next 8 weeks.

I Wana Be JJill

I love looking through the JJill catalog and dreaming of being 120 lbs and 5' 8". All the models in that catalog look so tall and lean, and of course, I like most of the clothes though I usually can only afford to buy an occassional t-shirt from there (on sale of course).

The latest catalog came about the same time I found out that the due dates for defending my dissertation are much sooner than I had expected. I was hoping to get a few pounds off by December, imagining myself gliding like a tiny winged fairy down the hall to be handed my diploma by some oger in a black robe.

But this degree requires that I stand up in front of a bunch of people (public invited even) and talk about how wonderful and brilliant my research has been, how I'm doing groundbreaking academic work that will change the face of the world as we know it today.

After my experience presenting the proposal for this dissertation, I know a little of what to expect:

• First of all, the conference room will be located about 300 miles away from where I have to park. This will be after driving 2 1/2 hours to actually get to the campus.
• Once I make it to the room, I will be a puddle of sweat and wrinkles, yes, even in Oct. or Nov. because this is Florida and I will be very (very) nervous.
• Next, I'll need to set up my laptop, which of course will not work, and eventually, I'll have to turn to plan B and use the hand-outs, which I had lugged across campus along with my laptop.
• Finally, I will give my presentation, talking way faster than I had anticipated and breathing heavily and sweating more, and I'll be asked a few questions that I can answer and a few that I will have no clue how to answer.

At this point, I have my draft finished and a lot of technical stuff to do to make sure it is formatted correctly and forms are filled out on time and such, but I can't help but consider, being the girly-girl that I am: What is a fat girl supposed to wear to a dissertation defense?

I will defnitely have to go shopping, which is going to suck. Hopefully, I'll get a few pounds off and at least down to the next size (which is still way bigger than I should be) by the time I have to hit the dreaded mall.

I'll be thinking of this while I go for a morning walk.

Bridget Jones

We watched Bridget Jones's Diary last night for the first time. I had seen bits and pieces of it on TV but never the whole movie, and one thing I was really surprised about what the fact that Rene Z. was supposed to have packed on a lot of weight for this role.

Now, I will admit she wasn't her normal teeny tiny self, but actually, she has a nice figure in this movie, and I couldn't help but wonder if those boobies came from the added weight or if it was just some Hollywood illusion going on, a special bra perhaps?

To add a little more confusion, the character writes in her diary that she is 136 lbs, which is I guess supposed to be huge. Now, sure, that is more than most people her height (which I think is around 5' 3") would like to weigh, but I was under the impression with all the Hollywood hub bub about her weight, that the character would be much heavier.

I thought Bridget was supposed to be a fact chick.

Instead, she was an adorable 30 something with a nice rack. Not skinny, but cute and, I thought, attractive.

Here's a picture of Rene as her regular skinny self. Cute, maybe even elegant, but not sporting exactly the same set of cha-chas as she did in the movie.

Advice from an Anorexic

I was talking to C. the other day, actually in reverse roles as I was giving her the pep talk for a change. She hasn't lost any more weight and knows it is because she's just eating more than she should. Now, back tracking here, she looks fabulous (which is what I told her among other things). But, she wants to get down to a size 4 and as she puts it she's a "fat size 6."

Now to me, "fat" and "6" don't actually go together, but she is a good deal shorter than I am, so I agree to be considered really thin versus normal size, 4 is probably a good size for her.

As we were talking, the subject of a friend of hers who lost a bunch of weight quickly (about 15 lbs in a month or so) came up and about how this woman was always able to get the weight off really quickly once she slipped a little. When C. asked her how she did it, not surprisingly she confessed to cutting back to about 1200 calories a day, exactly what C. told me NOT to do.

Furthermore, she told C. that one thing she found helpful were portein bars because she is so hungry that during the night she wakes up repeatedly. When she does so, she takes a few bits of a protein bar and is able to go back to sleep.

Now ignoring the part that someone is so hungry it wakes them up more than once during the night, we realized her protein bar idea had some possibilities. My "squeezing the banana" post is not an usual situation for me. Granted, I rarely get sick like this, but I'm sure I'm like most people when there are days where I'm running around and that usually equates (for me) to eating crap. Hell, a good 20lbs of what I need to lose I can say came from my years of commuting to school. It's nearly impossible to drive and eat salad. Now, french fries are a great driving food.

Protein bars are great for days when I'm working, but I need to run home and take the dogs out real quickly. With all the driving, there's no time to really eat. They would also be handy for the evenings when you may feel like munching all night. Protein bars are really filling, so they may curb that a little.

I bought just a few to try because of my delicate palette, and they taste okay. So far, I've tried the Atkins - Advantage Bar, which was about 220 calories and 19g of protein, and the Pria bar, which was a little smaller and 110 calories and 5g of protein. Yesterday, I used one while running around to get me through lunch and later had some fruit when I was able to sit and relax for a few minutes, and it filled me up but was only about a 300 calorie meal. So, not too bad.

I'll report back when I get some time to see if these help or not.

Don't Squeeze the Banana

My dad has this saying, "Don't squeeze the banana."

Basically, it means don't over do it. Because, just like squeezing a banana, you end up with a big mess.

I think last week I squeezed a little too much, and I'm still paying the price. So, I've decided to keep being careful about what I eat, but I'm going to try to take it a little easy when it comes to exercise and stuff right now.

It's week 4 and I still have a little cough and icky throat, achie legs, and I'm just plain tired. Last week I basically was so sick of being sick that I decided to just pretend like I wasn't. I cleaned like a nut, ran out to a few stores for things for the house and special food items for our guests, and this is in addition to all my regular writing work load.

This week I started pretty much at the same pace on Monday thinking I'd start up my walks again. I also spend the whole day banging away on my dissertation, so even though I knew I was tired, I just kept at it.

Finally, last night, I decided to say "Uncle" already. I didn't drink any wine, went to bed early, and today I let myself take a long nap, and I'm already starting to feel just a wee bit better.

Exhausted

Our company is gone now, and I'm still trying to recoup my energy level, which today seems none existant. I really had to drag myself out of bed this morning. I'm thinking of drinking another pot of tea, which at least has practically zero calories.

While entertaining we did a lot of eating, good food but bad for the diet. Ugh.

But, what is a host to do? Serve up a pile of lettuce with fat free dressing?

Today I'm back on it, though I'm easing into the exercise thing. Hopefully, I'll feel better tonight so I can go for a short walk. My house is still very (very) clean, but I miss my walks. Even with the 100 degree heat and 100 degree humidity, it feels good to move and get out of the house.

Groundbreaking Exercise Program!

Get a total body workout!

No special equipment or training needed!

Melt the pounds off of you!

This is my testimonial to a new workout program I've discovered called High Intensity Housework:

Like the average busy person, I clean, but I do maintenance type cleaning, the type you need to do on a weekly or so basis: laundry, vacuuming, etc. This is enough to keep the house livable, though not necessarily spotless as it definitely always looks lived-in.

With company coming this weekend, though, I had to shift gears into major cleaning or high intensity housework. For me, when I shift into this mode I start doing all kinds of wacky things like deciding to clean out the linen closet that is crammed full of stuff, odds and end of various sheets and towels that we have collected since moving in here about 8 years ago. Why do I have 20 pillow cases that no longer match any of our sheets? It's a mystery, and this is one of the many chores I find myself doing when I get into this kind of cleaning frenzy.

Since I start finding all these side jobs to do, I ended up making a lot more work for myself. What could be a one or two day cleaning turns into a week long grueling workout routine. And, of course, my guests are due to arrive any minute and I'm exhausted. All I can do is think about taking a nap, and as it so happens, my nap-buddy-kitty is now waiting for me right now, with a look of shock that I'm not snuggled up next to him.

On the up side to all this cleaning - other than having a super clean house where you could (at least at this moment in time before my husband comes in with his huge boots) eat off my kitchen floor - is that I feel like I've run a marathon. Every muscle in my body, back, legs, arms, ache. So, that must be good. At least, it is good in a sore owie kind of way.

My Fruit Mojo

While sick, I sort of lost of my fruit mojo. I was scarfing down 2 to 3 servings of fruit a day and loving it. But, of course, when I got sick, nothing tasted right except for crackers.

Today is my weekly shopping day, so I plan to pick up some much needed fruit. Our frig is so empty I actually had to clean it some, ick. When it's full, I don't see all those funky, sticky things that seem to some how appear on the bottom shelf.

I do have a little fruit in the house, but it's funny how you fall out of the habit. So, today I'm going to start the retraining effort. Instead of picking up a piece of bread (even if it is low fat and zero sodium), I'm going to pick up a piece of fruit.

It is Just So HOT!

Yesterday I did manage to go for my walk, just twenty minutes around this large circle of pavement in our neighborhood. It has been so hot, and of course, I am way out of shape and still fighting a tiny cough. I did do it, but then it took me awhile to recover afterwards. I was hot, shaking, and starving! Don't you hate that?!

Today, I'm planning on substituting house work for the walk, and actually, I'd much rather do the walk, but I have company coming this weekend, and I have to make the house look like it is spottless, like we live in a perfectly neat and tiny house every day of our lives. So, that means a lot of cleaning, mainly clutter. We are pack rats, both of us.

So, that's my exercise for the day. I will get a break though and have lunch with C. over at Crispers. Normally, I really love this place to eat because you can see into the kitchen and they have a lot of health (and not so healthy) food, but I just got on their web site to try to check the nutrients listings and of all things they do not list calories. What the hell? I sent them a snippy email. That is just idiotic to have all the other info, fat, carbs, fiber, and not calories.

Oh, the food thing went okay yesterday. I ended up with something like 1500 calories, though my sodium was way too high. I swear. To me, the sodium is much harder to get a handle on than the calories. I was a little hungry yesterday. My taste buds are still not totaly back to normal, and I haven't been to the store in awhile to stock up on fruit and other good things, so it was just hard for me to find something I wanted to eat that was good for me and located in my kitchen.

Boy, I could just keep writing and not go clean, but then I know it will be sitting here waiting for me when I return from lunch.

Back at It Today or Mondays Suck

No wonder everyone hates Mondays - It's the beginning of the work week and the day most of us start on our diets - And, today, that means me.

I've still got a tiny bit of a cough, just now and then, but I'm well enough to start walking and watching what I eat again. I plan on taking an edited version of what was my daily walk. I'm sure with this Florida heat (it was 76 degrees with, like 100% humidity, at 8:00 this morning) it will be a rough one, but with all the afternoon showers we've been having lately, it looks like I'm going to have to switch my walks back to the mornings.

I'm actually a little relieved to feel well enough to go at this again. I do miss my walks. It always feels good to get a little exercise, no matter how fat and forty I am. The eating thing, not so much fun, but at least I get the feeling I'm trying to do something about this extra tire around my ass.

I was talking with a woman at work the other day about dieting, and of course, I got the usual, "You look good. You don't need to lose weight." But, of course, this was coming from someone who really, really needs to lose weight. It is even affecting her health now in a major way, but she told me she didn't care. She was just going to eat what she wants and if she gains weight so what. Knowing her as I do, that didn't really surprise me that much, but I just can't feel the same way. I can't buy into the idea of liking your body no matter what. I liked being thin, wearing cute clothes, not having to worry about how I was going to get a zipper closed. I miss that, and I want it back, damn it!

So, I'm easing into the diet thing again, or the eating right thing since "diet" is supposed to be a dirty word. I have company coming at the end of the week, so that is going to be difficult, but right now I just need to think about today.

The Saga Continues

Yes, believe it or not it is Thursday and I'm still on the icky side. I'm still coughing, and the nose is still going somewhat a well.

To say that I'm sick of being sick by now is, well, not necessary to say, is it?

The only upside to still having some of this is that I'll get to share it with some of my coworkers tomorrow and the next few days. I've missed a few days of work, and I only work there 3 days a week, so of course, there's the usual grief people have to give you who hate you and don't believe you are really sick.

When I went into work on Sunday, which of course is a day very few people at the library other than myself work, I saw a nasty "sick again" sprawled across the schedule. The b* or should I saw robot who does the schedule and isn't my boss but think she should be had to write that because, well, she's a jealous old woman who has no life.

I actually had this horrible urge to lick or spit on her phone receiver. But, then, I thought, well, she's old and skinny and would probably get sick too and maybe she'd die so then that would make me a murder and I'd live the rest of my life knowing I killed someone, and that would not be good for me, so I didn't do it.

I'm sure when I go in tomorrow and see her laser-beam eyes shooting at me I will have wished I'd had. Just leave your desk for a few second old woman...that's all I need!

So, I'm still fat and eating way, way too many fish crackers.

On the Up Swing

I'm at the coughing, coughing, coughing stage now. According to C. I should be like this the rest of the week. I was feeling kind of good last night after a few hot toddies. (Check out DrinkStreet for a recipe.) I was pretty mello when I went to bed to say the least, and it did last for a few hours. But, sometime during the early morning hours I guess they wore off because it was back to hacking and coughing.

I've actually been sleeping in our guest room so my poor husband can get some sleep. At least someone is sleeping around here!

I can't believe I'm going to be like this the rest of the week, but after last week, I wouldn't be surprised. So, hopefully, a week from today I will be back on track.

Still Sick

It's Thursday and I'm still unbelievably sick. I can't remember the last time something hit me like this. I've heard it's been going around and that it's lasting 2 weeks, but come one! How much snot can one person's nose really hold?

I went ahead a weighed myself today and so far, I'm about the same. So, considering my diet has been wacko since Monday, that's okay.

What really bothers me is that my whole eating and excersie routine is gone and once I get better it will feel like I'm starting all over again. I started seriously walking January, and haven't take more than a day here or there off since then, so to not walk for almost a week now is very disturbing.

While I try to just get through this, I'm reading Hsien-Hsien Lei's new series on Hearty Habits over at A Hearty Life. You may see me mentioned over there once I get back to my routine. So far, she's got 2 installments:

Hearty Habit #1: Losing Weight
Hearty Habit #2: Water Weight

The Diet is Off!

I figured that would get some attention.

Actually, temporarily the diet isn't going so well because I am sick. And it sucks. Being sick sucks.

The night before last I woke up about 3am with a tickle in my throat. By the time I got up for good, it was a full blown soar throat.

When I'm like this, I am really not into eating anything good for me. I crave salt and while I don't eat all day long, what I do eat is pretty much junk. I prefer Fresca and those little cheese crackers shaped like fish. That's about it.

I know it's wrong, but when your throat feels like you want to lodge an ice cube in it, fruit, vegies, and all the good things I've been eating just don't taste right.

I cancelled my lunch date with C. today. I have another lunch date tomorrow with a friend who is moving out of the state, so I really feel like I have to go to that. The good news is she's in the mood for Thai, which is loaded with salt, so I doubt I'll have trouble eating something. I just hope I don't get her sick. That would be some going away present, huh?

Good Moments and Bad Moments

I haven't blogged here for a few days, life ya know. Basically, I'm hanging in there, though I need to really get serious. I tend, like I'm sure most people do, to have really good moments where I'm totally on top of the whole eat right thing. For example, I went out to lunch with my friend J. on Friday and I knew the place we were going to didn't have any low-cal salad dressings, so I brought my own. It's a small sandwhich place downtown, so the guys running it had to raze me some, almost begging me to use their dressing, but when I asked if they had any low-cal stuff, "Oh, nope, don't believe in that." I replied, "Well, if I don't use low-cal then I may as well have a cheese burger." Ga-zing.

So that was my good moment.

Today, my bad moment including going to my nephew's birthday party and eating my weight in spinich dip.

I have lunch on Tuesday with C., so I need to be really good the next few days or I'll have to confess all my sins to her when we meet up. Weds. looks like another lunch date with a friend who is moving out of state, and I just have a feeling one of those bad moments will happen!

Fat Pants Trouble

I still haven't gotten on the scale, but I'm wearing a pair of what I consider my "fat pants" and they are tight. So, that tells me a lot.

I'm not going to beat myself up about it too much. That's one of the things C. keeps telling me not to do because eventually you may just give up. And I don't want to do that of course.

But today is yet another day to begin and as it happens it is also grocery day, which is actually a good thing because it gives me a chance to sort of renew my vows.

Back on Track Today

Yesterday was fun, and the burgers were fabulous. I mean, wow! Both Michael and I were totally amazed at how good they were. I also was bad at breakfast and had eggs with carizo (sp?) and cheese in them. Those were my "bad" but tasted oh-so-good meals of the day. For the rest of the day, I drank a ton of lemon water and ate a lot of fruit, so we'll see if that made a difference or not.

Today, though, I'm back on track. That means keeping the calorie count low, sticking with my fruits, drinking water, and as soon as my breakfast setttles, going for a walk. It is going to be a majorly hot walk today, but since tonight there will be yeehaws out there with their fireworks, I figured I should try to get it over with.

I may step on the scale in a few days and take my medicine, but for now, I'm just going to pretend like it doesn't matter and concentrate on getting back to the plan.

BTW, Happy 4th of July! I know there is a lot crap going on in the world, diet aside, it is a good day to also remember why it is so great to be an American and why we should be grateful that we live here.

No Scale Monday

With the 4th of July holiday coming up, this means I actually get to spend a few extra days during the week with my husband. He is a major work-a-holic, usually leaving the house before 8 and getting home no earlier than 6 ever day. In fact, at least a couple days a week, he has to go to evening meets as well. So we really appreciate having extra time together, and he's taken off Monday to give himself a long weekend.

As it turns out, along with the holiday, I also have a reason to celebrate because Friday I got my final book manuscript finished and out the door!

So, I'm declaring Monday as a "No Scale" day. Usually, it is my day to do a weekly weigh in. Not that I haven't been stepping on the scale during the week here and there, but I'm trying to go by what it says on Mondays for the most part.

After Michael learned of my cooking success the other day, and after he recoverd from the shocked that I didn't burn something or ruin another pot, he asked about doing a real burger cook out. (He knows I'm trying to keep things low, low, low on the food now.) And, since we have a lot to celebrate, I'm going to go for it tomorrow.

That means, real burgers on the grill, and even a few brewskies. I may still go for the low-fat cheese on top, but other than that, I'm just going to enjoy our next few days together, and pay for it the rest of the week (and probably the week after that too!).