Saturday, September 09, 2006

Focus, Focus, Focus!

Yesterday was such a sucky day for me. It began with the scale, and of course, I was very disappointed with myself. However, instead of giving up, I decided to stop and think about why I was sabotaging myself. I'm usually not an emotional eater, or so I'd like to think, so I don't often connect my mood with my eating, but I knew something wasn't right up here [touching head]. I also knew that for some reason I have been extra tired and hungry for about a week now. This is not to say that I'm not like this once in awhile, but this was different. This was day after day, which isn't usually "me."

The more I thought about it I realized that I was sort of in a funk ever since sending off my completed dissertation to my advisor for what should be his last review. At first, I felt a huge relief that this thing was off my back for a few weeks. I have worked on it for about a year now, dedicating at least a few days a week, every week, to writing it. It was a relief. But, then as the days passed by I sort of missed it. Now, it's not like I don't have other writing work to do, and I did start on other projects during this time, but I soon realized that.....shock and dismay....I'm almost done with this thing!

As most people who have gone to school in any form after high school knows, you get the "what are you going to do when you graduate" line from just about every Dick and Harry on the planet. Needless to say, working on yet another graduate degree, I get this A LOT! Right now, I can just brush them off with a "well, let me graduate first and then deal with it," and that actually satisfied myself to a certain extent too. But now, with the real possibility that I may really graduate in December, I realize that...crap!...I'm actually going to have to come up with something after this. And, damn! after all this time in school, it better be good! Plus, I'm going to be out of academia, possibly forever if I don't get a teaching job, right? Honeslty, I'm not 100% sure I really want to teach again, but even if I did, my prospects due to the fact I'm not in a position to just pick up and move are pretty dim, practically nill. When I first started this degree, this wasn't necessarily the case because I was teaching part-time at the local community college, but to cut to the chase here, we now have a mutal non-admiration society going on, so that school is not an option.

Okay, back to my food issues then.

I called C. last night and told her about all of this to a certain extent, and she told me that I could not control the future, that I need to focus on now and what my goals are now, and that happens to be losing some weight before my defense. I should look at this like another job, a writing project, and not let stuff that may or may not happen in the future stress me out now because there's really not a damn thing I can do about them (Okay, she didn't say damn, but you get the idea).

She's right. I am all over the road, and worrying about what I'll do come Jan. 2007 right now is a total waste of energy. Today, I started with writing out all the food I plan to eat today on my account and coming here to post (which really helps me focus so I need to do more of...look out!). I also plan to do my walking DVD, which by the way, I did the 3 miles yesterday, amazing what a little depression will do for you! And, I plan to really try to eat a good amount of protein so I don't get hungry.

Oh, and one other weird thing, I stepped on the scale this morning (yes, I know!) and it said I weighed 2 lbs less than yesterday. That's right, yesterday! But, I totally don't believe it and so I tried on my green pants, and while they zip, I see no other difference in the fit. So honeslty, I'm not sure what to think about that scale or my whole weigh in once a week philosophy. I plan, however, to listen to the pants more so than the scale from now on.

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