Who Is That Fat Chick?

Ahhh...the holidays are almost over, and while it's been fun, I have to admit that I am actually looking forward to literally tightening (I hope) the belt. There have been lunches with friends, dinners out, parties to try to pass on, and the office pot-lucks. All have been fun, but enough already.

After being away from my ick library job for about five days due to the holidays, I came back the other day and as I was waiting to clock in (tick, tick, tick...can't clock in early, gotta wait..tick, tick), I noticed a picture collage pasted next to the time clock. It was from a party the week before in tech services where I now sit due to the fact that there is simply an empty desk there and I'm the local part-time library gypsy. But,they were very sweet to me and invited me to their party and we all ate and did crazy things like have a tacky Christmas jewelry gift exchange and lots of pictures were taken, so someone ended up putting together the collage. Granted, no one was super-model material. Most were caught laughing or stuffing a corn chip in their mouths, but as I looked over the pictures (tick, tick, tick), I kept looking for me. I was there you know.

Finally after looking at each picture, I ran through them again until I found myself. "Oh, God! Is the me?" I thought. I had to lean over a little and take a closer look. "Oh, ugh! That is me!" Actually, I didn't have a goofy look on my face. I was just very red and very large. I had my red sweater set on and a plate of food in one hand and I was looking down, probably trying to hide from that damn camera!

I wanted to rip the picture off the wall, but of course, I couldn't do that. My new adopted cubicle-mates would not like that. And, I guess I must actually look like that.

I don't know how many wake-up calls it's going to take, but this was definitely one of them. So here's to leaving the big red fat chick back in 2006, and looking for a thinner, less red, version in 2007. I'm already working on my game plan. More to come next year.

Merry Christmas from Fatand40

Merry Christmas!

I jsut wanted to wish my small readership (all 6 of you) a very Merry Christmas!

Yes, I'm still fat. Yes, food seems to be everywhere right now, but even so I plan to have a wonderful holiday.

Food will not get me down, neither will the relatives who have already started the holiday nagging via email, nor the crazy traffic (have you noticed it too? people are driving like loons!).

It's nice to be home (I actually get Sunday off of at my crappy PT job for, like, the first time since last Easter!), and it's nice not have anything I have to do right-this-very-second-or-else for a change.

I'm just going to enjoy it for now, and I hope you do as well.

(Image from About.com Interior Decorating - not my house! Forgive me Martha Stewart.)

New Pencil Box

Yesterday I went by one of the colleges I'll be teaching at next semester to pick up my books. I was a little concerned about how I was going to feel about returning to the campus since I haven't been there in about a year or so. I gave up teaching for awhile in order to devote my time to my dissertation, and actually, this particular school hasn't been the nicest place sometimes. My last few trips there I rememeber have that "pit in your stomach" feeling. But this trip was a good one, and it reminded of one of the reasons I enjoy teaching: I like being a student, and one way of being a student is to teach.

School has normally been a good place for me. When I was young, I remember going to the local five and dime a week or so before school started and buying a new pencil box and all the goodies that went along with it: new pens, pencils, notebooks, reams of paper, and so on. Preparing for the big day was always exciting.

As I hauled an un-Godly number of books to my car, that's sort of how I felt, like I had my new pencil box in my hands. No icky feeling in my stomach was there. I even ran into a few faculty members, and they all called me "Dr." and as usual were super nice and friendly to me. The stress has at least gone away for awhile. The books are old friends of mine from many, many semesters of teaching the same classes. I can do this thing, even if I'm juggling a million other things.

Doing Lunch

Due the holidays and the fact that I am so incredibly popular, I am booked big time for various "let's do lunch" events. Of course, who doesn't like to go out to eat? But, considering the fact that I've just been eating whatever lately, not being a pig but not being careful either, this just throws more temptation in my way. And it is so hard to eat right when you dine out. Luckily, one of my dates is with C. who always puts me to shame with her celery stick - no dressing - eating habits.

Then there's also the work issue. I have loads of it, more than ever it seems. How to "do lunch" and "do work" at the same time is tricky. And, I'm starting to stress now about my work load after the first of the year. I seem to barely handling things now. What happens when I'm teaching three classes at the same time? Two are on line, so at least that cuts down on traveling, but will I ever get away from my keyboard?

With the first of the year looming, I start thinking about all those "get in shape" and "eat right" plans I usually have, and I can't help but feel discouragd that I just won't be able to do it while I continue to juggle everything else going on in my life. I know. I know. Why stress now when you can stress after the first of the year? But, I always start my stressing early. I'm funny that way.

Calling Fat Academics

I came across this call for papers and I couldn't resist posting it here. Forgive the goofing markings. It's been a long, crazy day and I'm tired:

"Historicizing Fat"=20A
Proposed Special Session for the 2007 Annual Convention of the Modern =Language Association=20
Papers are solicited which consider how fat been constructed in =different historical periods. Papers might consider times in which fat =was unmarked entirely, understood in other than pathologized terms, or =alternatively, they might give a history to the category of "obesity."

=I am interested in the way in which history, broadly understood, can be =used to imagine and thus create alternatives to what sometimes seems =like an all-too-oppressive present. As such, papers that reflect on the =role history can play in creating a fat accepting community are =especially welcome.

=20=20E-mail a one-page abstract with a short biography by 16 March 2007 to
=Elena Levy-Navarro at levye@uww.edu.
You will be notified of your =status by 1 April 2007. A
ll participants must be members of the MLA =before 7 April 2007. The MLA will be held in Chicago, IL from 27 Dec. - =30 Dec. 2007.

Elena Levy-Navarro, Ph.D.Associate ProfessorProgram in EnglishUniversity of Wisconsin at WhitewaterWhitewater, WI 53190(262)472-5047 (tel.)(262)472-1037 (fax)

Must Be Strong!

I'm working at the library part of the day, and I'm already bracing myself for the food that I know will be there - everywhere. Cookies, candy, snacks of all types will be downstairs, in the break room....So, I must be strong. I could tell myself that I'll just eat one thing, but a few problems with that: there will be many "one things" to chose from. Also, I'm not a one cookie kind of gal. I'm an eat-the-whole-box-and-feel-ill kind of gal. If I know that I won't be satisfied, it doesn't make sense for me to even try to limit myself.

I love the holidays, but I'll be so relieved when they and the food they bring are behind me!

6 More Months

The next 6 months are going to be, well, insane, though pretty much all good. I'm returning to the classroom and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to helping students figure out where to put their commas and brainwashing them into discovering fab-o novels like Agnes Grey {heavy sigh}.

While I will still have my crappy library job (yes, teaching and writing and librarian-ing all at the same time! thus the insanity I speak of), I will only have it for 6 more months unless something totally unexpect happens, and hey, you never know. (Mental note: Call the retirement system guy again and ask him for the exact date, time, and second I can walk outa there!) There's always something weird going on there, so honestly, things could turn around tomorrow and I'd be a happy part-time librarian again. Until then, I have six more months to hide from the wicked witch of the X department, even if that means I'm unpacking boxes in acquisitions or filing invoices; so be it. Just because I'm a Dr. now, I'm not above a little druggery work. Actually, I like keeping busy. It makes the 8 hours go by so much faster. The old "look busy" thing I was never good at, you know.

Okay, enough flapping of the keyboard. The brownies are g-o-n-e. I managed to eat way more than I should, but I also told my husband, "If you love me, then you'll take at least half this box of brownies with you to work. For the love of God, man, don't leave me alone in the house with them!" So, onto more walking with Leslie Sansone.

Brownie OD

Oy! I learned today my limit on Fairytale Brownies! The best brownies in the Universe!

I found a box of these at my doorstep last night when I came home from UCF. Very sweet of the giver, but dang it! Chocolate is so my weakness (okay, one of many).

I ended up buying a few boxes to send to some book editors/publishers I'm trying to keep on my good side.

Maybe, just maybe I worked off one brownie at least during my 2mile walking DVD today.

Dr. is Fat & Happy

Not exactly Victoria Secret material, but here I am wearing my fancy academic costume for probably the last time. Notice the "hood," as it's called. Only doctoral students get one of those. Even those with an Ed.d. don't get the same type of hood. As we were heading over to the arena, getting crammed on a bus that drove us in circles before finally getting there, a woman asked me about it: "That's different. What does that mean?" she asked pointing to the hood (which is velvet and satin). "It's for Ph.D students." I told her, and of course, she was totally impressed.

It was a very long day, driving to Orlando, getting lost on the way to the arena (they said there'd be signs...of course, they meant "sign" as in one), running around trying to get a robe that had a hole for my arm to go through it. The whole wrinkle thing was a non-issue at that point, especially after one of the people at the bookstore table tried to talk me into a wearing a robe for a 5' 11" person: "There you go. It looks great." ..... "Um, it's dragging on the floor. I'm not wearing this." Hey, I'm a doctor now, you know. I don't take that kind of crap from people any more. Well, actually I do, but come on!

I know I looked totally fat and totally geeky, but this is just not a "get your sexy on" kind of outfit. One saving grace was the fact that eveyone else was wearing the same or similar attire, so actually, it was kind of cool, like I'm so a member of this club now, at least I was for a day.

For a little extra geeky and fat affect, here's me with "the" diploma (yeah, baby, we actually get them @ the ceremony, not a blank book).

Just a Little Something

...To destroy your self-esteem.

Yes, I admit to watching a little of the show.

It reminded me of the first time I visited a Victoria Secrets store. I was used to undies at Sears that come 3 in a pack. V.S.'s didn't have any numbers on them, just XS, S, M, L, XL. So I asked one of the sales clerks how they were sized.

"You're a large," she sneered at me.

"Ah. Thank you," I meekly mumbled as I melted into the floor.

Bad Shoe Day

Shoot. I was doing pretty well there, getting back to my daily DVD walking and/or walking the dogs, and I blew it by wearing some bad shoes. I hate when that happens and I hate that I have whimpy feet.

Now the bottoms of my feet feel like someone took a sledge hammer to them. I actually work with a woman who is on her feet all day, very physical job, and she wears heels! I go walking in a pair of old sneekers followed by a day of wearing 1 inche mules, and I'm dying! Are even my feet out of shape?

The worst part is that we had planned on walking the dogs tonight, and (a) I was really looking forward to it as the weather has turned a little nippy and (b) I know I'll get flack from my DH if I don't go. He won't buy the feet problem.

Hmm..should I just go and have one more night of pain? Or, should I cool it for a day or so?

Academic Road Kill

I got my cap and gown today via UPS. Crap! The gown is messed up. One of the sleeves is goofy. I called the book store and they said they'd have another for me there the day of the commencement, but dang it. That means it will probably be all wrinkly. This is starting to make be even more scared of the whole thing.

I can just picture it now: I trip and fall like a load of fatand40 bricks, ala Carrie Bradshaw. Some gay guy will scream: "She's academic road kill," as I slip my 1" heeled shoe back on my fat foot.

I also received an email today about the this whole hulla baloo they are to do with us Ph.Ders. There is this hood thing they stick on me, or my advisor actually has to do. So, that means I can't wear my hair down. Plus, I realized I need to wear a button down shirt because they have to hook it on a button. Very weird to have this done by your advisor in front of a zillion strangers. I mean. I have only even said this guy's first name out lowd, like, once. Now he's going to "dress" me in public. Cripes.

Luckily, I can still fit my fat a** into the gray skirt I plan to wear, but of course, the whole button down thing has thrown a wrench into my sweater set plans. I think I've one shirt I can wear that will work, a white button down with a Peter Pan collar, too young, but we'll see if I can swing by Sears this week (yes I know - Christmas crowds!).

Okay onto the diet issues. I have totally lost my Mojo, as I'm sure you noticed. I'm busy as hell with work. I'm blogging my brains out lately, but the money is good so....

On an up note, we walked our dogs last night, and it felt good to get out and get a little exercise. It was a cool night for Florida, in the high 60s, and we walked around the neighborhood checking out the holiday lights.

This energized me and this morning I managed to do one of my walking dvds, the 2mile. Not the 3, but hey, I managed to pry my fingers off the key board and sweat for a change.

Since losing my grip at Thanksgiving, I'm starting all over again. I even broke down and bought some pants, which C. would have a cow about, but luckily, she's not on the net and can't read this...he he. Otherwise, she'd give me that "Five more pounds and you can't wear these any more. Don't buy them."

Easy for Miss Size 6 to say. Plus it's getting cold now so my wardrobe is shrinking. At least something is!

Big Fat Liar

I'm such a big fat liar! Yesterday I finally managed to order my cap and gown, fingers crossed it will make it here before the big day. As I was ordering, the woman asked me how tall I was, my head size, and oh, yes, my weight!

My what? Why would she need to know that?

In case I needed a plus size, she wanted to make sure I was comfortable!

And, you know what? I so lied to her. I couldn't help myself. Granted I know I don't wear a plus size (at least not yet!) but I just couldn't admit the truth to this stranger over the phone. I imagined her checking some little box, "extra-large."

Maybe I won't be comfortable. Honestly, Thanksgiving really did me in worse than I thought. I took the pants test yesterday, trying on a pair that I had been able to wear okay before the holiday, and nope, no way are those two sides of the zipper ready to meet. I totally f-ed up all the work I'd done, and heck, it wasn't even that much work, a measly few pounds.

The flush thing didn't do diddly, and I know it was just one day, but you'd think I'd get some sort of pay back for the 12 hours I spent in the bathroom. But, there are no quick fixes, I know that, and I know what I have to do, but it just isn't any fun doing it.

Flush Update

Okay, no big surprise, I didn't sleep a much last night.

Ah, you laugh at me! Yes, I deserve it, and am I lighter?A little thinner? nah! But I learned a few things and remembered a few too.

Plus, I'm back on track with basically watching what I'm eating, counting calories, and such. My next goal is to get back to regular walking again.

Flushing So Far

Today went okay, and yes, lots of flushing. I didn't eat all the food on her list, so I was a little on the hungry side. Probably if I'd eaten it all I wouldn't be, but some of the foods I wasn't thrilled about (plain yogart...ick) and others, like the artichoke, were just too involved to deal with. Of course, now that it's late and my tummy is rumbling, maybe they weren't all that involved.

I'm struggling with whether or not to do it again tomorrow. I'm not sure if I have enough of the food left over from today to do it all, may need to pick up a few things, but I'll see how I feel in the morning. I know I have enough for breakfast and a late morning snack.

The jury is still out if this was a good thing or not. I will say that some of what I did today I could continue to do. I made a wonderful lunch with salmon (yes, I actually cooked something) and put it on a large salad with a little olive oil and lots of lemon juice. That's a meal I plan to add to my current low-cal list. Also the warm lemon water is a good thing. I don't know why warm works better than cold, but I could tell a difference. I don't see me drinking as much water as I did today, but it might be a good thing to do, maybe drink a few glasses a day.

Hopefully, I'll wake up tomorrow a little lighter.

The Big Flush

Obviously, since I haven't been blogging here in forever, I've not been good about the diet. Before Thanksgiving, I wasn't all that bad, just maintaining, but then, as expected, I took a down-hill dive for the holiday. To top it off, we had company stay with us, and so what else is there to do when you entertain but feed them? Between last Weds. and Saturday, it has been a chow fest around here.

Time for something radical. And that something is The Cleanse and Flush plan from Get a Real Food Life by Janine Whiteson.

Whiteson's whole approach to dieting is not this flush plan. In fact, this is just a side bar she has in the book. The rest of the book (from what I can tell...just on ch. 2 so far) is about eating sensibly for life, and of course, that is what I hope to get to eventually. But, after all the eating I've been doing, the flush appealed to me. I feel like a beached wale! According to her book, this quickie diet is supposed to help "reduce that bloated, lethargic feeling." And that pretty much describes me right now.

She recommends you don't do it for more than 3 days in a row, but honestly, if I can just make it through one day, I'll be impressed. The plan calls for eating a lot of fruit (which is why I think I can do it since I love fruit), lean proteins (like fish), and lots and lots and lots of warm lemon water. Needless to say, I'll be sticking around the house today!

Supposedly, I could drop a pound or two, though it's all water weight, so I know it could come back, but at this point, I'll take what I can get. For the most part, I found her list of foods on the diet to be pretty basic and easy to do, especially for a non-cook like myself. The only big issue I have is with the artichoke she's got listed. I love these, don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't know how to cook one to save my life.

I'll let you know how it goes. Like I said, I'm trying for one day right now. If I make it through today okay, then I may try for day two, but that's a big maybe at this point.

More on the Plate Issue

I just received the book Mindless Eating by Dr. Brian Wansink. One of the experiments he discussed on the TV show where I saw the book mentioned was the idea that if you have a smaller plate you tend to eat less.

Lately I've been stressing about my doing too much - again. The whole "I've got too much on my plate issue" applies to me in more ways than one. So at one point, what last week was it?, I resolved that enough was enough. As things come off my plate, like school, I'm not going to add any more. Heck, I may actually take items off my plate, even if that means giving up a little income (and as a writer, I can tell you, it is little!).

I wasn't 100% sure about my plan, of course. Even a little money adds up when you do it regularly or add it to other little money jobs, but I was convinced that I just couldn't do it all and do it all that well either.

Then, of course, out of nowhere I get an email about another small writing job, a column once on month, easy topic for me too boot. Sure, I can do that. It's just once a month.

Then another email comes. This time it's about teaching a few English classes at a university no less and locally. The classes are small. The students will need lots of help, but it's grammar and basic writing skills. Hey, that's my thing. I'm great at breaking down grammar goop and helping students organize their thoughts.

In the back of my mind as I'm loading up my plate yet again, my brain is going "Stop! What the *ell are you doing? You can't do this." But I ignore this voice, this voice that wants to bring me down, to make me pick waxing the kitchen floor (which really needs it by the way) to teaching a class. My floor will go unwaxed for a few more months, maybe longer, but I'm just a full plate kind of gal I guess.

Less Insanity Today

I had a light lunch with C. yesterday and she finally stopped the "I want to get into a size 2" talk. I think between me trying to convince her that even at a size 2 she'll feel fat and that you can't live hungry...as in that's no way to live life...and her husband who told her he doesn't like skinny girls, she's finally coming back to reality. In fact, we ordered the 1/2 sandwich and soup option, and I thought she'd get something like vegie soup but she actually ordered chicken and dumplings. I almost fell over.

The girl taking our order has no idea how lucky she was that day. Normally, C. takes a half hour to order her salad "I'll have the chef salad with no ham or carrots or tomatoes or....yada yada.."

I could have eaten a huge bowl of that dumpling soup (we went to Crispers) but I was saving myself for dinner at Ian's Tropical Grill. The name of this place sounds like it's some sort of sports bar, but actually, it's very gourmet, sort of Key West gone to California dining ala France.

We had a few appetizers, baked oysters (yes..tee hee), tuna rolls, and a fab white chili shrimp soup. I could have eaten a gallon of the soup alone.

For an entree I had the macadamia encrusted snapper with a fruit salsa, yummie vegies on the side, and some ultra cool mash potatoes with carmelized onions in them.

The DH had flounder encrusted with some kind of Japanese bread crumbs and topped with banana and mango salsa.

Needless to say, we skipped desert. Oh, and we had an excellent cabernet with the whole dinner.

I ended up taking 1/2 my food home, so it was a nice light meal for me today. DH is making scallops and asparagus for dinner, and as my birthday cake (did I mention it's my birthday today?) I have 2 pieces of chocolate cheese cake for us I picked up at Publix earlier this week.

Well, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my day. I think I'll read one of the books in my growing stack of "I'm going to read this some day" and then take a cat nap, with a cat of course.

Stop the Insanity

Yesterday at work, I saw a fellow co-worker, who like myself struggles with her weight, smoking on her break. Yes, damn it, smoking! I really wanted to go over, grab that thing out of her hand, slap her, and then hug her. In the five years I've worked there, I've never seen her smoke before.

Sure, maybe she's a smoker and I just never knew it. Maybe she is stressed out about something that I don't know anything about, but more so, I think it comes down to her weight issues. It's her quick fix. It will keep her from eating during her break. It will make food taste like crap. It will speed up her metabolism. I know what's she's thinking because I've had those same thoughts myself.

Also on my mind around then was the last few conversations I'd had with C. She's still hungry and still frustrated, though she has lost a few more pounds. But, at what cost I tried to reason with her. You can't live like that. And, who would want to any way?

For my own part, life is still good. True, I'm not a size 8 but I'm down to a solid 12 now. I actually wore a pair of pants the other day that I hadn't worn in months, and they are very comfortable, not falling off my boney butt, but not so tight I can't sit comfortably either. And, I'm turning 43 tomorrow, so while I'm not eating like a crazy person (I actually went out yesterday for lunch and ordered a sandwich minus the bread), I'm not driving myself nuts by stepping on the scale or starving myself either. In fact, we're going out to eat for my birthday slash graduation celebration and I'm going to eat whatever I want. So there.

Fat and 40 Lady Still Hasn't Sung Yet

Oy! So here I finally graduate, and as I start to think I may actually have more free time, I gradually realized that's not the case. Or, at least, if I want to beef up my academic writing stuff it shouldn't be.

I'm already working on an abstract to submit to a journal for an article on women's weblogging, and it ocurred to me that...hmm...I'm writing another paper. On the one hand, this is cool. It's like I'm back in school again. On the other, I realize, crap! I usually spend all semester on my papers for school...that's...16 weeks...min.

I went to an academic publishing workshop yesterday (long drive but I was good and brought sandwhiches, not exactly diet food but not Burger King either), and they pretty much confirmed what I had been starting to realize. It ain't over yet.

For the past year, I've dedicated at least one day a week - Tuesdays - to writing my dissertation. Obviously, I worked on it other days here and there, but Tuesdays were my do or die write it days. Before that, Tuesdays were my homework days; again, yes, I worked other days, but Tuesdays, no matter what, I made myself work on school work.

I thought I'd get my Tuesdays back, silly me. But noooo...if I really want to take a stab at this academia thing, then that means no free Tuesdays. It also means my plate is way too full again. So, what to do?

I have to make some hard decisions. Right now, here's what's on the plate starting in 2007:

• Teaching two English classes on the web
• My jewelry blog at Creative Weblogging (10 posts a week)
• My wine blog at Creative Weblogging (10 posts a week)
• My jewelry and beading blog at b5media (6 posts a week)
• My About.com site (2 newsletters and lots and lots of other stuff)

All of these are paying gigs, and fat and greedy me really doesn't want to lose any of them. BUT, I think it comes down to realizing that while something may not pay me via paypal today, it could pay me in different ways in the future, and I don't necessarily mean with money.